If Your Life Were Made Into a Trailer

Would You Watch It?

The lost feather floats in the sky & the lonely orphan sits in the center, both waiting to be found and bought into the context of love. Your pursuit of happiness is a right; an entity waiting to be found, it is a privilege to have as a constant in your life, but are you looking for it? How important is it to you if you ignore its value in the context of your life.

With everything else in your life, ‘find & replace’ is an automatic course of action. With happiness lost? Eager to find and replace it again? Or maybe discover it for the first time? Will you spend the time to search for it?

“Hi, My Name Is Truman & This is My Show”

In the mass existence of society, there are players and there are producers. The world is your stage, your oyster, at your disposal – because we live in a generation of possibilities and opportunities allowing for the greatest degree of existentialism. Yet, we barely consider the effort to construct reality according to what we aspire to be the true representations of our individualism. Instead, we live our realities in the context of simulated reality – defined as a conscious state of mind that is indistinguishable from “true reality”, so unimaginative that one may not even know their lives are within this simulation – meet Truman.

But – my name is Angie. And this is my show.

Every element that exists in my life will be questioned and challenged to allow myself to quest for further perfection in this journey of personal pursuit. Without asking these questions, I am but a fragment of existence that is colourless, convenient, safe, expendable, monotonous, bland, unimaginable…. lost.

I want to be a producer of my life. So I am cutting out the featureless scenes where I am hopelessly lost.

========

CUT #1: Lost in Artificial Transactions
“Hi, how are you? Great, nice to see you – but let me check my phone 100 times during our conversation.”

I truly believe that at the core of every human existence, is human interaction. We grow from others; we learn from others, we are inspired by others. So why do we have surface level conversations? Why is it that every conversation feels like a key networking opportunity for business? Why is it that conversations feel like a hidden agenda is in place? Why is that when conversations occur, we devalue the importance of that time with the other person and make it necessary to check our mobile devices to check on interactions with others who aren’t physically there? When did it occur that we would rather check transactional texts, Facebook notifications, tweets and emails from others when we have the opportunity to fully appreciate the stories of others who value us enough to take time to personally meet you? We are lost in the challenge of genuine human communication that allows us to discover who we really are when we openly talk about ourselves to those who are physically, mentally & emotionally present.

CUT #2: Lost in Monotonous Relationships
Relationships are not spectator sports. Don’t get into one expecting to be a passive player, you end up losing.

Friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, fiancés, marriages are all higher level commitments to another person & making that conscious commitment means that you have a bond with that other person you find of value. In this valuation, how do you define the strengthening of a relationship with that other person? Do you know what it is that creates the harmony, why you relate to this person, and what you can do to make it dynamic? Like any other facet of your life, you make a commitment to something & work to make it the best it can be. Being in a relationship that is tied down by the mere titled commitment is more condemning than being free and seizing other opportunities for interaction. We are lost in the way that we let our love & mind love those who are valuable to us. Let your actions speak louder than your words – if you have a romantic relationship with someone else; is your heart & mind fully committed to making that other person feel the way they should feel in the relationship? Or is the relationship an existent one out of comfort or fear of losing the predictability? Don’t lose yourself in the idea of the relationship; lose yourself in the passion that creates the moments that make the relationship special.


CUT #3: Lost in Habitual Routines
Wake up, have breakfast, go to work, go to the gym/mall/home, have dinner, sleep. Rinse & repeat.

In some variation or the other, we all go through the daily motions of a routine that may or may not be the idealistic epitome of our lives. Wishing at various points of another that we could be learning or doing something different, but can’t or rather – won’t. “I wish I could play a musical instrument”, “I wish I could speak another language” it’s often that we just leave this aspiration as a thought instead of asking ourselves, “Why the heck not?” When we say “I don’t have time” or “I wish I could”, we are really saying “I prefer to stick to what I am doing” or “I would rather not bother my convenience”. We are lost in the comfort in our lives that hinder the ambition & passion we have for things that ultimately add value to the definition of who we are. With work maintaining a large portion of our lives every day, unless what you do is certainly your passion, we can quickly lose the definition of who we are in what we do.


CUT #4: Lost in Superficial Importance & Unspoken Expectations
Accept everything, question everything.

Within the society of ‘isms’ – materialism, consumerism, capitalism & socialism, there are many unspoken expectations formulating social norms driving the way we operate. But consider another ‘ism’ – individualism as one that is often advocated but never celebrated. We often point out that it is important to be individualistic & maintain self confidence in who we are, but when someone tests the boundaries of unspoken expectations, it is questioned & found odd, because we are programmed to accept certain things as normal. For example, no one ever thinks to go to a movie alone, if you do – you’re seen as odd. But why does it matter? If I want to see a movie & no one happens to want to see that movie or is available, why can I not go about it alone? Or if I decide that maybe I don’t want to pursue a post secondary education after high school, the unspoken expectation whether from society, your parents or peers, is that you should. Many people do automatically progress from high school to post secondary, but is it always the right thing? Have you considered what you would do & whether it would make sense in the course of your life? Consequently, why do we have the things we have? When we live above our means, do we stop to question, whether we really need a Mini Cooper S class if we can only really afford a used Toyota Corolla? What are the reasons behind your decisions whether they are for material items or education? We are lost in the society of consuming that we never stop to think why? Are your reasons motivated by ego or by passion? Are you living at the rate of which is complimentary in your life or are you pursuing one that is barely yours to define?


If your life were a trailer – what would it look like? Would people come watch?

How do you grow when you stay in the one place that makes you feel safe? If a decision doesn’t make me feel remote nervous making it, I am not making the right decision. Think twice about everything you do. Ask yourself if there is an opportunity to be happier & fulfilled in what you do. And if the answer is “Yes, there is” – why not?

Don’t Break My Strings… Please
I will end this completely long winded post of verbal masturbation with a short clip from my time in Costa Rica that showcases a different side of me – one that is intoxicated by the venom created by music that creates a natural high for life. Thank god this isn’t an audition tape for ‘So You Think You Can Dance Canada’.

December 6, 2009 at 10:12 pm Leave a comment

I left my heart in Costa Rica. Pura Vida.

Doin’ Costa Rica. Pura Vida.

Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions. – The Dalai Lama


The physical, emotional & mental turbulence in the last week has left my soul begging for more, raising the standards in my life for experiential living to elevate my pursuit of happiness. My life can no longer be lived at a mediocre standard & habitual routine when there is so much yet to be discovered. Right now, I am in complete withdrawal from my current reality because there is so much of my heart that I have left in Costa Rica. The pureness of life, the separation from materiality, the truth in love & openness of people have left me with a greater expectation of the beauty of life & what I aim to personally achieve.


Relativity

I have found that the greatest degree of inner tranquility comes from the development of love and compassion. The more we care for the happiness of others, the greater is our own sense of well-being. Cultivating a close, warm-hearted feeling for others automatically puts the mind at ease. It is the ultimate source of success in life. True compassion is universal in scope. It is accompanied by a feeling of responsibility. – The Dalai Lama


Relativity is only as good as your context, your scope of perspective. The more I see, the more I know, the more I know, the more I am certain about life and what is important to me.  My scope of perspective now includes that of the beauty, life and love lessons I have learned from Costa Rica. Where physical beauty of the surroundings have maintained much of their aesthetic integrity – so do that of the people who are locals to this, leading brand-less lives focused on pursuing a “pure life” embodying the national mandate for life “Pura Vida”. Everywhere you go, every person you meet, every sight you see – beams happiness & beauty to enjoy and create experiences that formulate memories. I can’t thank Maria Del Mar from Del Mar Surf Camp enough for her hospitality & energetic beauty on this trip that allowed us to witness Costa Rica in this way.  In the generation of youth today – we are so privileged to have the ability to travel & see much more that allow us not only to widen our perspective on the way we live our lives, but our notion of possibilities. More than ever, we are empowered with the ability to achieve more, and I plan to make this my life’s mandate. I won’t stop discovering, allowing adrenaline to pump through my core & seeking new challenges as long as I live. It is only in this way that I can uncover the most beautiful things in life that matter to my heart.


Openness

Basically, universal responsibility is the feeling for other people´s suffering just as we feel our own. It is the realization that even our own enemy is motivated by the quest for happiness. We must recognize that all beings want the same thing we want. This is the way to achieve a true understanding, unfettered by artificial consideration. – The Dalai Lama


We often preach “don’t judge a book by its cover” but many times first impressions warrant reinforcing thoughts & stereotypes – but this judgmental filter is one that can be learned to avoid, because it is only in this way that we have the opportunity to discover the real person behind the superficial mask that governs our soul. In parallel, your work doesn’t define who you are, what you believe in and commit to is your truthful beauty formula. To be honest, under normal circumstances I would have not had the opportunity to meet the kinds of people I have on this trip because of the differences in academic, social & professional circles. But, my first observation was that they were all part of an industry that emphasizes physical beauty demanding certain upkeep in their aesthetic appeal, most – models of some sort. Had I maintained ascertain to the stereotypes, I would never have discovered:

  • The karate instructor with a passion for love, sense of humor, teaching & watching his students grow
  • The compassionate & lively actress from Sudbury with the constant yearning to help others in need
  • The motivated youth worker with passion for inspiring the younger generation to their potential
  • The aspiring student from Guelph with a strong stance for improving social economic politics
  • The fun loving woman from Toronto who only knew happiness & had an open heart for everything around her

Each and every person had a story, an open heart & adventurous soul that fostered and made the experience so much more fulfilling. Although, we were in the land that moralized “pure life”, these people were already so far along their way in exemplifying this.


Fulfillment

To conquer oneself is a greater victory than to conquer thousands in a battle.- The Dalai Lama


At the end of the day, I went to Costa Rica to challenge myself. This experience is part of a reality show for MuchMusic and the potential backlash having never been on camera before, the uncertainties in my involvement & the impact of the participation were the biggest fears I overcame & increased my level of physical & emotional endurance that I now define as the new standard for my life. I found myself challenged beyond the physical requirement, but mentally I’ve become more open to new experiences & emotionally I’ve learned to open up immensely. Now, everyday feels is like the first day of my life. Every experience is one that brings me closer to what truly defines my happiness. I can now ascertain that nothing makes me happier than pushing myself to sustain physical endurance – I am happiest when I am pumped with adrenaline & challenged to limits supported by my mental endurance. Knowing that my mind is just as strong as my muscle – I know and believe that my perspective on life is one that has certainly evolved & will continue to manifest into a definition of self that I am proud to identify with.


Doin’ Costa Rica

With that I leave you with a photo documentary of some moments & a Spanish rhythm, Suavamente from Elvis Crespo that is immovable in my mind.

November 23, 2009 at 3:08 pm 7 comments

Show Me Your Friends

I am blessed to know the people in my life because every conversation I have with them is a motivational one that leaves me inspired to do more. But inspiration can only do so much. Inspirational conversations can ignite the inner fire within you that churn the gears of imagination in your mind, but what happens when the thoughts just remain…thoughts? It takes more than a great idea to risk & start something new, it takes commitment & people you can rely on to help you make that happen.

Your whole life, we live in an idealistic dream - a dream where everything is possible.  And you believe this, you verbally communicate this & you whole heartedly preach this but do you actually test those boundaries? The boundaries of infinite possibility? 

How many times do we talk about our dreams?

Stop Talking.

Just Do It.

Right Now. Stop Thinking. Start Doing.
 
What do you wish you were doing? What are you waiting for?

Only the Do-ers Can Preach.

One day, you will meet someone who has lived their life just doing what their heart tells them to & it is then, you will realize & truly believe that everything IS possible. Surround yourself with inspirational people and you shall too, be an inspiration. When that happens, share with others your story so that the dream is one that is attainable for us all. I have been so lucky to have met a very aspirational friend in the last few months that have taught me the value of taking chances in this short life we have. He can do it, why can’t I?

The Hypocrite.

Well sort of. One foot in the door and one foot out the other. Figuring out where your heart lies is hardest. I’ve spent the last few months figuring this out and don’t think sitting here writing about it is going to change anything. Opportunities are created & that is what I intend to do. I used to allow my fear to defer many decisions & all my life I’ve been given choices - but not anymore.

What I am listening to right this moment? Inspired by the same person who has been “just doing it” his whole life – take a listen to Elias.

November 4, 2009 at 2:22 am 3 comments

Pursuit of Happiness

Since the last time I was here – I’ve been given the opportunity to walk out of my comfort zone and gather a new perspective of life. It’s opened up the scope of realization that my life is but a fragment of the grander scheme of the world that is out there. What took up 80% of my time is now cut down to taking 20% of my time and I am devoting the 80% to what is truly important. In essence, I am slowing down to grow. I want to take the time to learn, to appreciate, to understand myself & those around me. What is important, what is necessary and what is not. In this year alone, I’ve been to Cuba, New York City, Hong Kong, Malaysia and Singapore and know that these experiences have already contributed to my definition of self.

In Cuba – I learned that Che Guevara was a doctor from Argentina who felt so strong about the poverty in Cuba, he devoted his later years to revolutionizing forces against the corrupted Batista regime. He conquered in 1959. He was described as having an “affinity for the poor”.

In New York City – I walked on the soils of Ground Zero, where the World Trade Centers no longer exist from the September 11 attacks; where more than 400 firefighters died while trying to rescue those in the building as it collapsed.

In Hong Kong – I realized the value of having good friends and being a good friend. To have a friend take the time out of their day to show me and my family around for three days was more than I could have asked for.

In Malaysia/Singapore – I spent time with family where nothing was more important than spending time with each other, where the need for materialism and social stature was non-existent. Living within their means meant they had more time to be happy & and more to be happy about. There is so much that is taken for granted, that I take for granted.

And I want to keep being eager, keep continuing to grow.

Don’t be afraid to do what it is that makes you happy.

Sometimes you don’t notice how fast life is passing you by until you take a step away from all of it to realize that you can barely remember any noteworthy memories you’ve created in the last month, last 6 months, last year – you are suffering autopilot syndrome. Life becomes redundant, replayed and predictable – you know there are things you’d “rather” be doing, but always justify that what you are doing now is part of a greater plan – is it? What are you waiting for? The answer to the questions that ask “why” you are doing something is “just because”. You never have “time” to do the things you wished you could do – and then finally, you get burnt out – what actually makes you happy anymore? Where lies that passion for things you once urged to do? Where is that commitment to strive for the things you want without the fear of failure? If there is not a choice that makes me just a little bit nervous to make, I am not making a choice, I am just getting by.

We are driven by fear.

Fear that others won’t respect our decision; fear that we can’t live up to expectations; fear that we might fail or fear that what I find on the other end of the discovery makes me happier than what I am doing now. Having a fear is a normal reaction and to err is only human. The approach to figuring out what it is that actually makes you happy, what actually gets up you in the morning to the beautiful sunrise, to live out your passions is what life is worth living for. To try & fail over and over again, is ten steps closer to discovering my eternal happiness than to avoid doing the hard things and always pondering & never discovering what unleashes the inner ecstasy. I am scared to make decisions, I will fail & I don’t know what comes in store next – but I believe in discovering that internal strength & happiness in this one life even if it means to conquer my fears.

My mandate in life is to find internal happiness in order to evoke happiness onto others.

I used to think that I could find happiness by constantly surrounding myself with things that can make me laugh or smile. But no matter how much externally driven happiness contributes to your happiness, nothing can truly make you happy, but yourself. You physically represent happiness, but are you a ‘happy person’? Would you consider yourself a happy person? If not – why?  When you laugh, smile, chuckle or giggle are you really feeling those emotions inside? I want to learn the things that make me truly happy inside & one of those things is helping others find theirs.

Finding that internal happiness through introspective thought & commitment to personal growth

Today is the day I’ve decided to let my thoughts continue to fluster through verbal thought & commit to manuscripting this rebirth of perspective that have been on autopilot the last few months. The clarity achieved through honing down & writing these thoughts down is cathartic. Accompanied by the sultry sound track that is Elliot Yamin – I feel free. I have never felt more comfortable spending time with myself and believe with all my heart that devoting time to yourself in this fast paced society that is a constant engine of superficial purpose – is important when it comes down to understanding the only purpose that matters to me – my happiness. I want to learn, discover & continue this journey of growing as a person, as an independent woman in society by being open to new experiences & letting nothing by my commitment to happiness drive me.

Music is the Happiness Steroid

Theme: Freedom

Sound of Letting Go – David Guetta featuring Chris Willis
Sound of Freedom – Bob Sinclair featuring Dollarman & Gary Pine
Wavin’ Flag - K’naan

October 27, 2009 at 10:44 pm 18 comments

Entitlement or Ambitious?

Make a difference. As a member of Generation Y, the latest working class in society – I’ve been noticing several patterns around work ethics that resonate with many members of this group. One of the more important themes is, work life balance – ensuring that what we are doing is fulfilling, allows us the ability to discover ourselves & make a difference.

Need to grow. With what limited time we have in the workplace, it is of sincere importance to find a place that fosters the ability to use the skills a gen Y possesses as well as gives him/her the ability to enhance them. Once that need is satisfied and a new interest is peaked, it is very normal for a generation y to consider his/her need for growth and impact on the final outcome over the need to be loyal. Which in turn causes strife amongst other previous working generations who see this behavior as spoiled & undeserving entitlement – how can they consider switching jobs when the economy is in the dumps? Because those of generation Y don’t see their jobs as the purpose in life – it is a work to live philosophy vs. the one that lives to work.

Entitled or Ambitious? I don’t think we are entitled, I think we are ambitious. There is so much we want to do, so much we want to challenge ourselves with and know that there is only so much time to do so before we are entrenched in a multitude of obligations. Those within the generation Y group are thinkers, innovators, doers (‘I want to do that, so I’m going to do it’) & inventers – with more entrepreneurial spirits than any other previous generations – I can only hope that we continue to foster these characteristics in hopes of continued societal advancement.

Are you living to work or working to live? What are your life goals & are you on track?

October 5, 2009 at 2:32 am 2 comments

Mini Photo Diary of the Epic Summer Vacation

Because a picture is worth a thousand words, I have selected a few pictures (28 to be exact) from my respository of 3000+ images to give you a snippet of the extraordinary things I saw while on vacation to Malaysia, Hong Kong & Singapore this summer. Malaysia has some pretty amazing things to see, but you will see more pictures of food than you will places because the cuisine whether on the side of the road, in a restaurant, off a stand somewhere or at home, the food is absolutely scrumptious. You end up eating just about 6-8 small meals a day because of carts, stands & restaurants on every corner, needless to say I welcomed the gym with open arms upon my return. Enjoy!

October 3, 2009 at 4:23 am 2 comments

Poetic Confessions

So needless to say, my vacation was nothing short of amazing. All the sights, time with family, the history, the culture and gathering perspective on the world that exists outside of what I’ve known my whole life is something I’ve been internally processing the last week I’ve been home. I honestly don’t even know where and how to start manuscripting the experience I’ve had – but have been documenting emotions I’ve been going through with this newfound perspective through what I call poetic confessions. Confining thoughts in art, portraying emotions through words and phrases directly from the heart and then realizing that the process in itself is one of true self discovery. I hope you enjoy and I promise that I’ve been slowing but surely going through my 3000+ pictures and will share with you soon.

Poetic Confessions

To grow is to yearn
To listen and learn
To believe in improvement
To continue a movement

Always pondering for greater
Always challenging the fates
Always opening up the soul
Always filling up the holes

I have come this long way
To know that living each day
Means to risk it all for the chance
At a beautiful life enhanced

Rational thoughts in this life
With irrational actions I will survive
As long as I continue to question
And fulfill through poetic confession

September 9, 2009 at 11:38 am 4 comments

Living Like a Local

I have been a little short on my promise to myself to update this blog regularly (at least 3 times a week) especially on this trip back to Malaysia, but for very good reason – I live in an area where computers & internet access is very hard to come by. Upon landing in Malaysia, one would assume that I would be traveling to the beaches, enjoying hot springs, diving in the corals, trekking through rain forests and tropical areas that this country is known for – but after being here for just about a week so far, that makes up 0.01% of what Malaysia is really made of – the local village areas. I’ve been spending majority of the days living in and visiting the areas where my mom grew up in Puchong Jaya, reuniting with the past village kids now relocated and built their families in the neighbouring areas, and visited the last living grandmother I have. It’s been an eye opening experience to see the way people here interact, work and live life. Materialism is their last priority, family is their first priority and religion (largely Islam) is a predominant factor in their everyday lives. I have taken hundreds of pictures so far to share, but will do so when I have internet access that is faster than dial up – for now, I am going to enjoy having my five small meals a day from street vendors, walking around in 35+degree weather, visiting the extended family, making a trip to HK & Singapore and getting my Malaysian ID done. Apologies for the less than satisfactory blog update, I promise loads of food pictures, local stories and awesomeness upon my return as I head back to living like a local – with minimal use of technology.

And now as a tribute to my newfound Malaysian patriotism – Negaraku, A Malaysian National Anthem

August 12, 2009 at 3:20 pm 5 comments

Off to Malaysia, the Homeland

Yes. I am Malaysian and it has been 13 long years since I’ve been home to visit all the relatives I’ve ever had. It has been sometime since I’ve been on a 3 week family vacation and I am so excited. The family, the food, the night markets, the sights, the shopping, and did I mention the food!?

Malaysian Flag

Today’s Flight Schedule:

  • Toronto (August 6th, 8:50 PM) to Vancouver (August 6th, 10:52 PM)
  • Vancouver (August 6th, 1:55 AM) to Taipei (August 8th, 5:40 AM)
  • Taipei (August 8th, 8:20 AM) to Malaysia (August 8th, 1:oo PM)

I am going to try my best to document this trip here. Here’s to hoping my family in Malaysia has cable Internet!

In T-6 Hours, I’m Leaving On a Jet Plane – Chantal Kreviazuk

August 6, 2009 at 2:49 pm 2 comments

Climbing Out of the WindTunnel

Often, we have to be reminded that life is an uncertainty guaranteed by death and taxes, and sometimes it takes a tragic turn of events to realize that perhaps the current course that you are taking in life isn’t what you hoped it would be. The experience in the last few months of my life can be likened to that of a windtunnel, where moments pass you by and before you know it, you’re at the end of the tunnel with memories no more than flashes of instances in time not worth remembering. Living in this “fast paced” generation, working in the technology industry, starting a new career and being recently single certainly didn’t help the cause of complacency and self absorption. Once you are comfortable with what are you are doing, it is so easy to become caught up in the routine without actually considering whether or not they are contributing to your happiness or personal fulfillment. It took monumental turn of events and time to myself to make me realize that I wasn’t living a well balanced life, doing the things that made me truly happy and felt like I would eventually burn out. But what’s truly important in life is taking the time to think to yourself (which I find that majority don’t do often enough) to assess the current situation you are in whether good or bad and make any necessary adjustments. Sometimes these adjustments are easy, sometimes they are hard – but in the end committing to them can be life altering, lest we forget, that we only have one.

So within the last few months, I have set out a plan to do complete a list of “firsts”, seek out more adventures, spend time with myself periodically and sharing them on this blog. Here are a few things so far I can cross off my list:

Many times we become prisoner to our technologies, our work and our relationships – and don’t devote enough time to yourselves. In the end, we only have ourselves accountable for the decisions we make, those decisions we don’t make and for me, regretting anything is not an option. So, today’s YouTube link is not a song, but a clip for those of you who spend more time with your cell phones than you do with people (you know who you are).

August 6, 2009 at 2:31 pm 1 comment

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